Y’all ever have a moment when you’re just hatin’ on yourself? I had one of those recently when I went swimsuit shopping. I was being a total bitch to myself…I couldn’t fit into the cute little bikini I wore last summer because I’ve gained weight.
You may be wondering what’s that got to do with a blog about divorce? Well, even weight gain has a story. Here’s mine:
Last year (2017) I set out to very intentionally divorce a part of myself.
From June of 2005 until January of 2018 I was addicted to a string of several different prescription drugs. Everything that I was addicted to was given to me by a medical doctor with promises of fixing my ailing mind or aching body. Instead of making me better it clouded my judgment and definitely played a big role in my second divorce…I think it woulda been easier to kick a habit with street drugs! I also quit smoking in March-May of 2018 (yeah it took me a couple of months to beat it)…a battle I’ve been fighting off & on since I stole my Dad’s smokes when I was just 11 years old.
Today, for the first time in nearly 13 years, I am SOBER.
That’s so huge, y’all.
This quest for sobriety, however, has brought with it an additional 30-35 pounds…which is a helluva lot to add to my 5’2″ frame. It’s taken a toll on my self-esteem. It shouldn’t because I’m still just as cute as can be, but it has.
So, I came to a decision point: do I let my body image issues and insecurities win or do I celebrate my recovery and sobriety? I’ve decided to celebrate!
My body is just a place that I dwell in right now…I’m not taking it with me into the next life. But, unfortunately, we live in a society that focuses on the physical instead of the eternal. Obviously, at times I’m no exception to that. Time to stop fat-shaming myself..
I started thinking about all the things that my body has gone through. It has survived so much that I’ve decided to celebrate that, too. It’s attempted to grow and birth five humans; it’s been successful in three of those attempts. It’s been cut open. It’s had organs removed. It’s been scraped and it’s been bruised. It’s endured fevers, bacteria, and viruses. It’s been burnt by the sun and baptized with water. It’s been intentionally poisoned by toxic substances…and, you know what? It has survived!
I. Have. Survived.
So, I’m gonna celebrate while I continue to divorce the old me. Say what you will, but the fact that I can say “I’m sober” is an answered prayer…it’s something that I never thought I’d be strong enough to accomplish. I’m not gonna let a few extra pounds (or a lot of extra pounds!) take away from the joy I deserve to be feeling right now.
I have high hopes that I’ll now be able to develop some healthy coping mechanisms…I hear exercise is a good place to start. If anyone needs a workout buddy, hit me up!
And P.S…I’m rockin’ my cute little tankini at the waterpark this summer because I’m PROUD of what I’ve accomplished. I owe it to my daughters, to myself, to not be ashamed of how far I’ve come.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)