Do you ever make plans and then watch those plans fall apart? I’m not talking about Friday night plans to hang with your friends. I’m talking about life plans.
During the process of my second divorce, I made a few life plans. I set a few goals and I achieved them. I was on top of the world…for a moment.
From 2009 to 2017 I was a SAHM (which stands for stay-at-home-mom, obviously). It had been a long-time dream of mine to stay home with my girls and I loved it. But, when the reality of my divorce started sinking in, I knew that was something I had to give up.
I got a job. Actually, I got three part-time jobs. I was the secretary at a realty company in the mornings, a marketing services assistant at an ad agency in the afternoons, and I was writing in the evenings and on weekends. On paper, I could afford my new life. Funny how everything looks so good on paper. Fuckin’ paper.
Things were good for about two or three months until it all started to fall apart. I was spending most of my paycheck from my morning job on gas so I quit. I took on more hours at my afternoon job…it kinda balanced out my wages and it was more in line with what I wanna be when I grow up. Things were going good…but then I got fired out of the blue and then I started missing writing deadlines.
As good as it all may have looked on paper, I couldn’t pay my bills. My electric and water got shut off. I lost my apartment. My first solo attempt at adulting was an epic fail. The “real world” is a brutal and unforgiving place…especially for a gal who purposely separated herself from it for nearly a decade in favor of a more “traditional family”.
Since then, I’ve been staying with my best friend. My three daughters have been living with their dads and I’m an hour away from them. For now, it’s what is best for my children and for me. I know several people who do a kickass job as single parents and I have nothing but admiration for them. Don’t judge me for not being able to walk in your shoes.
There is a fierce mountain of shame that comes to me as a mother not having full-custody of her children. And lemme tell y’all something…there’s nothing anyone can say to me that I haven’t already said to myself. I’m not abandoning my responsibility to my children. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to admit that someone else is currently more capable than I am of taking care of my babies.
I know that there is a host of folks who don’t understand this or why I’ve kept so quiet about it. To those of you that I’ve kept out of the loop…please forgive me. Here’s the thing…for once in my life I’m making decisions without the opinions or help of my safety net. I know it hurts and I know you don’t understand my choices, but believe me when I say that I’m in more pain over this than you are. It’s not about you. It’s not about me. It’s about my daughters and what is best for them. They need the stability that I cannot provide them with right now.
I’d definitely say that the road I’ve been walking on over the last few years is broken. Here’s the thing about brokenness though…it is an absolutely perfect state of existence to let God rebuild you. As I’ve said before, I reached a place in life where I realized that I didn’t know myself or my purpose. I want to find myself and my life plans in Christ alone. Why? Because every other way has failed. It totally sucks that I’ve had to lose everything, to lose the only life I knew, in order to hit my rock bottom…but it’s in this valley, in this wilderness, that I’m gaining the freedom and the peace that can only be found through Jesus.
Oh, sweet Jesus. He is the only way, the only truth, and the only life.