My three daughters were all born on Thursdays…that’s why I call ’em my Thursday girls…obviously.
They’ve been through a lot because of me. I think divorce is harder on the kids than it is on the parents who end their marriage….no one really ever talks about that though, huh? How many of us truly consider how a second marriage/divorce will impact our kids? Or the impact it has on our families? On our circles of influence? There’s a lot to be said on the subject but my biggest concern is how it has impacted my kids (side note…when I was in the 9th grade I got points taken off of a writing assignment for using the word “kids” instead of “children”…because “children” are humans and “kids” are goats…guess my girls are goats…ha…too bad they aren’t fainting goats…j/k).
My girls don’t deserve to suffer the emotional pain that my divorces have caused them. They didn’t ask to have some of their relationships shifted or severed. They didn’t ask to have their world turned upside down. My choices hurt my babies and I totally suck at life for that (I get a lot of shit for using the phrase, “I suck at life”…y’all need to lighten up a little…I don’t suck at all of life, just parts of it…we all kinda suck at life sometimes, ya know).
My Thursday girls are strong af (for y’all Baby Boomers, older Gen X’ers, & anyone else who isn’t fluent in Millennial language…”af” stands for “as fuck” as in “my girls are strong as fuck”…it’s not a curse, mmmkay). I have complete faith that all three of my baby girls will grow up to become highly-functioning adults and well-balanced humans…I just kinda have a problem letting go of the guilt I feel when it comes to my offspring. God gave me those girls to help raise. I’m a good Momma but I’ve fucked up that role so many times. Yes, I know that I shouldn’t dwell on thoughts like that or hold on to that guilt…I’m workin’ on it, okay?
I hope my teenagers will always keep their relationships with their bonus dad (aka my second ex-husband, their step-dad). He and I obviously had some issues in our marriage that we wouldn’t/couldn’t resolve, but he is a good man who loves my girls. They were only 5 and 7 years old when we exchanged our wedding vows (on Veteran’s Day, 2006)…those little ones are now 16 and 18. Without hesitation, #2 took on the responsibility of helping raise my kids and for over a decade he has loved them, provided for them, and supported them as a father should. I have so much respect for him because of his capacity to love and because of his willingness to not just take on that challenging role of being a step-parent but to keep that role even after our divorce.
My girls and their bonus dad are separated from each other now because of my selfish choices. My older girls are separated from my youngest one because of the consequences of my actions. Remember that guilt I mentioned before? It’s gonna take some time for me to get over breaking up my family.
When ex-husband #2 and I separated, our little one was just 7 years old. Now she’s 7 and a HALF…that half is hella important at her age, ya know. She’s my feral child. She would have been an only child if I’d had her first! She’s a wild, free-spirited little human. She’s kind, creative, stubborn, and opinionated…and she’s pretty damn-near perfect. She’s mad that her Daddy and I “got in a divorce”. She misses her sissies (who are both pretty damn-near perfect too, btw…I just don’t want to talk about them too much in this blog). Here comes that guilt again.
I am guilty. I’m working on forgiving myself, but it’s gonna take time. And no, I’m not playing the victim here.
I know I’ve been covered with God’s grace. I know I’ve been forgiven. Thank you, Jesus, for the mercy seat. Is it just me or is it kinda overwhelming to know that we’re created in the image of a God who loves us so much that He became fully human just like us? What a priceless gift that is, huh?